Commute

When we last left your heroine (me), I was on the cusp of a major freak out in the Schwartz.  Since then, I have adjusted way better to a nomadic life, and as of yesterday,  finally unpacked my books in it to really organize and make it "home"!

The adjustment process was definitely weird for me. I found myself trying to be more social, and making more time to spend wih the Barista and an old friend from my Maine days that happens to be in Petaluma for the month. I did kind of revert to my old workaholic ways, but to a lesser degree han what it was. Currently,  I have a full-time job cooking at a brewpub in Healdsburg, and then when I'm not doing that, i drive an hour and a half souh to San Francisco where I work on a food truck. So while technically,  I am scheduled to work 7 days a week,  that really hasn't been happening. The food truck pays better, and will have some excellent potential benefits involved, but at the moment is far too inconsistent and iffy for me to commit to it. Like this week- I was supposed to work last night and today. I was told not to bother, business was too slow. So on the one hand, I have gotten to spend more time with my friends in Mountain View, and got some serious work done on a pet project of mine (more on that in a bit!), but I have lost out on a significant chunk of change that I could really use at the moment. However, it's not worth it to quit the food truck and find a more dedicated gig, because on Friday night, they are letting me work an event serving a country artist I am a huge fan of! Besides, this surprise time off is great for my mental health right now. Really focusing on me and forcing myself to deal with some things I have been avoiding is making me feel like I'm finally really growing into myself.

Now, as for that lovely pet project... I'm not going to really go into details until I have solid *stuff* to show off. Just know that it is everything I love about being a food nerd, and writing for it has energized me in a way I haven't felt in yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaars. Look for something... mmmm... next week. Pretty confident I'll have something to show for this silliness. :)

Forays into Viticulture

Ever felt like you've gotten into a dick-punching contest with Murphy's Law? That could very easily sum up my trip thus far. Getting out to California became the single most aggravating task I have ever brought upon myself. Long driving hours, heartbreak, desert, storms, sunburns, broken promises- you name it, it happened. However, I am lucky enough to have a handful of the most supportive, caring, sympathetic friends a girl could ever ask for- they helped me back up when I was sobbing in a shitty motel on I-5, and I will never forget that.

As it stands, there is extremely limited time and access to the Internet in order to post everything.  So, posts are going to wind up being clustered together and dated, like so...

9/5, late-night

I finally made it to the vineyard! Drove into the winery about 10pm, met some of the crew, and immediately got put to work sorting grapes. It was a great change of pace from driving all day! What we were doing was examining grapes that had picked earlier that day and were on the conveyor belt headed to a machine that destemmed and filtered out grapes that were too small. It was up to human intervention to filter out leaves, unripe or rotten grapes, and raisins. I felt a bit like Lucy Ricardo on 'I Love Lucy' sorting bon bons. I tried a couple grapes, and they were incredible- sweet and softly  supple. They were pinot noir, the specialty of this vineyard.
Heading to the vineyard itself, where I am staying,  is about an hour and a half away from the winery and up a mountain. Because of my laaaaate arrival, I couldn't really see any of the drive up- just enough to realize that the dividing lines are just guidelines up here instead of steadfast law. :)

9/6

Day one! We woke up at 5:30 am to begin picking. During the harvest,  I was given the job of runner- while the regular workers picked, I'd go around and exchange full bins for empty ones. I knew I was going to be hurting later 2min into the job- full bins weigh 45-50lbs each! We spent a solid two, two and a half hours picking in the early morning fog. Grapes are best picked in the early morning before the sun hits- it helps preserve the flavors in the skins.
After picking, we returned to the winery. Here, I parted to start the second half of my job here- as chef! I headed to the next town over, Healdsburg,  to begin shopping for dinner supplies for the next few days.  I was also given the best news any chef can get: "You have an unlimited food budget. Feed us, and feed us well." The freedom that allows me? Incredible! I tore through the store with abandon, picking up fresh butchered meats and screamingly in season produce. I had decided to make the first night's dinner a taco night, to ease into things a bit and guage how my cooking would be recieved.
Taco night turned out well enough, I mistimed a few things and had to improvise a bit; but meeting everyone was a lot of fun and I got to witness a cool wine aficionado game they play every night- Guess the Wine. We do a blind tasting of two bottles, one white and one red, and we try to guess the grape varietal, the area of origin, the vintage, and the producer. It is a reallt educational experience!
We returned to the winery late that night to catch a few z's before returning to the fields early the next morning.  I remember hitting the sack and having some of the sweetest dreams I've had in years. This is easily one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Go West!

I've been blogging for over a year. Not consistently, by any means, but I've done it. It's something I never thought I'd have the patience to do. It's an exciting idea! A lot of things have been changing recently.  Things are going fine, I just had a mild epiphany that I was bored.
I love Atlanta, there's no question about that. But when I was younger, I always dreamed of going to California, becoming famous, the whole nine. As I got older, I let reality dictate more and more of my life until I was working comfortable (though not necessarily stable) jobs, and settling for a life I'm no longer 100% sold on. It got me thinking.  If I had to look my 10-year-old self in the eye, and explain my life to her, what would she think of me. More jarring- if I have a daughter one day, I will have to explain a few things to her. How am I supposed to look a kid in the eye and say, "Work hard and you can make your dreams come true" when so far my own life has been, "Work hard and eh, your life will be not entirely shitty"? I may be a hypocrite on a few things, but I never want to be called a hypocrite for my life values. So, I'm finally going to work on making my California dream come true!
I've been applying for seasonal jobs assisting with wine harvests for this fall. If all goes well, that will hopefully give me a strong enough foothold to find permanent work out there. My prospects look good- I've got my local wine contacts putting out feelers for me, I applied at 8 different vineyards yesterday and already had a phone interview with one I feel pretty confident about. It looks like things may come together really well for me.
The idea of going west is daunting,  no argument there. However, compared to when I first came to Atlanta? I feel WAY better about things. I actually have friends where I'm going, for starters! And yeah, I'll be broke for a bit while I'm out there. But hey, I'm broke here in Atlanta too. I just have to keep reminding myself that regardless of what happens,  I will survive it and be more awesome for it.

The Final Countdown?

Decided to be productive today.

It's a bit scary.

I am sooooo close, I could honestly finish this damn plan today if I had physical copies of this information in front of me. I have the hardest time focusing on screens. However, I think I'm going to make it happen. Notebooks will be filled with numbers and nonsense before today is over. Oh man. Oh man oh man. I'm even doing financial stuff! And while yes, my brain hates me at he moment,  it's getting DONE. PHASE TWO IS IMMINENT. SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE!!!

...Or, you know, my bar. Whatever.

Bittersweet

It's been hard to write recently. I've been backsliding into bad habits I had a few years ago, and when you're busy getting fucked up 7 nights a week then working the same amount, it's hard to pause for self-reflection.

I know what it is, too. I still miss J. When we broke it off, I avoided actually processing it. What's worse, I pretended we were fine as just friends. I still talk to him, I still see him when he's in town, hell, he and I cooked together last week. I helped him tile his fucking bathroom. I am a fantastic liar, I actually believed that by jumping into the dating pool again, I was over it. Not. Even. Close.

I shouldn't beat myself up about it so bad- theoretically I, too, am human. But it is so much harder than I want it to be to look at someone I want so bad to spend the rest of my life with and realize it probably won't happen. I need to give him up. But everything reminds me. Even my bar. Especially my bar. And that's really getting to me.

Progress on the bar is accelerating as far as the business plan. But every minute I spend on it, I want to share it with him. He was one of my catalysts to motivate me to actually work towards it. His influence is all over it, even without direct involvement. At this rate, I can only hope the bar consumes so much of my time I won't have time to dwell on him anymore.

Fixing Fixation

The best and worst advice I have ever received is, "The devil is in the details". The chef I worked for back when I started this blog hammered that idea into my head. When used appropriately?  Works splendidly.  However, I have been finding myself getting fixated on things that honestly need to wait, or that are less than important in the grand scheme of things.

When I started my business plan, I made a timeline for what I needed to accomplish in order to work on the next item on my agenda. I would dedicate one day a week to completeing a chunk, and be finished by early January. Week 1 went off without a hitch,  even got ahead of the game for week 2. Then week 2 came. The chunk I intended to complete was writing a menu and then costing out the recipes. Menus were written, but I had no idea how to start costing without accurate wholesale pricelists. My brain was telling me,  "No, you HAVE to finish this! You can't DO anything else until you get this DONE." So I fixated. And I wasted valuable time. I let myself get 2 1/2 weeks behind before I even looked at my plan materials again and came across my checklist.  Right then, looking at is with fresh eyes, I realized- I can (and have) asked some of my restaurant management friends for price lists. And while I wait for them to deliver? I can do other things.

Especially since the rest of the list is freaking easy in comparison.  All of the financials are easily the most important part,  but it's all a matter of collecting data and filling in appropriate tables. The rest is as simple as writing an operations manual, training timelines, quick analysis blurbs- all of which I have been doing in my off time at home. There was never any reason for me to save it all for one day a week. I should never have let the menu become as much of a hassle as it did. Thankfully, I am back on track.  Possibly even ahead of schedule!  Very excited for January, when I start doing the fun stuff for it!

Progress

Well, after a harrowing two weeks of intensive,  mind-straining study, I have passed my final exams for service at the wine bar!  Of course, I managed to do better at the alcohol portion of the damn test, but were I to repeat it,  I'm sure I'd be equally better at both! Awfully hard to concentrate when I'm distracted by kitchen chatter. Nonetheless!  I can now dedicate my free time to my German studies and my business plan. I'm falling behind little by little onthe plan, and I am not happy about that,

On the bright side,  my older brother reminded me of family connections that could get me in touch with the extended family we still have in Germany.  Somehow, I had utterly forgotten about them, even though it was they who got me started on this crusade to an extent in the first place. So, I shot them a message earlier today/yesterday, hopefully they will get back to me soon.

I am finding it a bit silly how things are coming together lately. I am the eternal optimist, but I have had so much awful luck (both self-imposed and random) over the past few years,  it's hard to come to terms with it. I keep expecting the rug to get yanked out from under me!  I guess keeping me on my toes is what is keeping me successful at this rate. So we'll tread on! And kick  ass! Jahwohl!

Working hard! (For once...)

So it occurred to me that I probably ought to use this blog not only as a venting space, but also as something of progressing joiurnal of the creation of my pub. I have read countless chef memoirs and books that make a vague mention of 'how hard' it is, and many chefs and owners I know personally will tell you straight up that it took them years to get up and running. However,  I have never talked to an entrepreneur who was able to reminisce and give me even the vaguest of timelines. Even myself, personally,  when I tell people I'm optimistic about opening in 2016, I get asked, "why are you waiting so long?"

Here's the reality- I'm not waiting.  This pub is the result of 4 years of brainstorming already,  I've just finally gotten to a place where I am mentally prepared to take the plunge and really, truly work on it. And it is WORK.

You may first wonder, why did it take you so long to brainstorm? Frankly,  when I first got the inclination to start a place, I only had the vaguest idea of what I wanted to do. It would have been like trying to build a house on a jell-o foundation,  and it would have failed miserably.  It took me time to gather new experiences,  try a variety of different bars and restaurants to find what I truly enjoyed, and really solidify my concept. Then came the paperwork part.

I despise paperwork.  Love writing, haaaaaate business-y official documentation.  It's boring. And doing research?  Blows. I spent 11 hours on Tuesday writing up the introduction to my business plan and researching potential menu items and formats. This week, I'm going to wind up spending another 11 hours copying recipes and costing them to start creating a mock budget. And that's still only maybe 1/8th of the plan. This is a massive headache,  but I keep telling myself it'll be worth it.  Atlanta needs my place.
Got this. :)

Brain Drain

Life is just such a crazy amazeballs clusterfuck sometimes! And I am willing to admit a large portion of that may be because I am a bit of a goddamn lunatic.
For starters,  dating.  Jesus christ I haven't been single long and I am sick of it already. I'm tired of meeting people,  I'm tired of building connections that go nowhere, and more than anything else I am sick of not having someone to call and be my sounding board. I want to get married,  dammit. More than anything,  I want to marry the man that knows all the good and bad about me, and can put up with me when I freak out and calls me out when I'm being a bitch. He exists, I know he does, I just need him to reveal himself before I go on another godawful date wih another sadsack of a human being.

Can I sound any more like a Bitter Single Girl? Probably,  but nobody wants to read that. I'll get over it and be fine soon enough, but sometimes you just need to vent! Honestly, life is pretty good for me right now.  Passed my trail- I start training at the wine bar on Saturday night. They have thw coolest hiring procedure- the staff has the final hiring decision,  not the management. Frankly, it makes a lot of sense if you think about it- restaurant managers don't work with the servers and bartenders as closely as they do with each other.  So isn't it better if your coworkers decide if they can put up with you day in and day out? It's brilliant,  and a strategy I intend to implement in my place when it gets up and running.

As for my future place, things are moving in a very positive direction!  I fully believe that it will be operational by 2016. Good things! I will be posting more of the nitty-gritty details in the upcoming year! 

Brain Fried

While this is being posted later,  I happen to be writing at 3:42am. I have spent the last 2 weekends in a whirlwind of activity,  and it finally has my brain in such a tizzy that I can't sleep.

Last weekend was Alchemy,  a burn that takes place in the North Georgia mountains. For those of you unfamiliar,  it's effectively a smaller scale Burning Man. Bunch of folks just camping in the woods, creating a temporary autonomous society based on self reliance and a hell of a good time. I had a blast.  Turned off my phone, had a stash of granola and box wine, and proceeded to hang out with some of my dearest friends that I haven't been able to see in mooonths. Reconnecting with everyone was wonderful,  even in the 30-40ºF nights, haha.

This weekend was Taste of Atlanta,  one of my favorite responsibilities all year. One of the largest food festivals in the Southeast, I work for them every year in some capacity or another. This year, I was their VIP Experience manager,  which meant I was in charge of organizing volunteers for that section,  and once I was on site, making sure everything went as smoothly as possible. I have never been so busy and so exhausted in my life.  My first year managing, and I learned a crapload!  I had help from some fantastic volunteers,  and I can't wait to do it again next year, but oh man. Every time I close my eyes,  I am back at the festival site, assisting with the breakdown. I never thought I could ever get this tired from just a dream. Or is it a nightmare at this point?

Cue the Elton John, the Bitch is Back!

WHAT a crazy few months! Did NOT mean to be disconnected for as long as I was.

For starters, my employment situation has changed drastically.  I am now once again back to one solo job, that I have been adoring so far. I am now a bar/event manager at a local 18+ nightclub, so far that means I watch college kids hump and "twerk" for a decent salary.  It's like watching my own personal episode of COPS every night.

Also, J and I have been progressing in a positive way! We are about to hit  the 10 month mark, and it looks as if we may be having another "define the relationship" talk soon- the good kind!

Otherwise,  I discovered that I had been a hermit for far too long, so I have been getting out more and spending time with my friends and favorite bartenders. All in all, good things! Current goals are simply to get out of debt and keep J and I's relationship going strong. I have a lot of cool career stuff that will be coming up soon to focus and blog on, so that should be fun for everyone to peek in on! Much love, guys, and thanks for coming back!

Stockholm Syndrome

I have been in some facet of the hospitality industry since I was 14. Restaurants, mostly, but I did a small 2-year stint in alcohol retail as well. In that time, I've referred to it as a form of Stockholm Syndrome for a majority of it. Much of the time, I also treated it as just a job. So why have I bothered staying?
It's not the pay. Restaurant wages are among the worst I've earned. It's not the hours, either- who willingly gives up weekends and holidays? And it's DEFINITELY not the glamour- don't believe what you see in the media, restaurant work isn't remotely pretty when you're elbows-deep in shrimp shit and shells.
Part of it could be I don't feel qualified to do anything else. I mean, when you spend so much time doing one thing, it doesn't matter what other talents you may have, it's hard to convince yourself that other people would pay you for that. Or, that's been my experience, at least.
Ultimately, I guess it boiled down to passion for me. A passion I didn't realize I had, to be honest. Which is a bit funny to admit, as I am one of the first people to tell my friends to follow theirs.
It turned out I had developed a love of German food without realizing it. When I was in high school, I spent years both volunteering and working in a German restaurant in Brunswick, Maine. Back then, I didn't have any vested interest in food, and actually was a rather annoyingly picky eater. But, when you're a growing adolescent and haven't eaten in hours, sauerkraut gets incredibly tempting-smelling.
That restaurant, Richard's, was one of the first and few places I worked in where they insisted on doing things by a set standard. More importantly, it was a standard maintained on a surprising amount of common sense. It was a method I wound up taking for granted, especially considering some of the places I worked in later years.
Anyway, while I was there, I developed a taste for German food. I proceeded to then work in a few other restaurants that were more concerned with volume and relaxed feel- decidedly not fine dining establishments. I moved to Atlanta, gained an appreciation for eating well, and then got gobsmacked and disillusioned with the dining scene here. I got burnt out. I gave up, and went into alcohol retail. It was fun for a while, but I got restless. Then I worked a special Oktoberfest event.
My company had provided the beer for the event, and I was on hand to help explain what was there to the guests. A catering company had been hired to recreate authentic German food. I was looking forward to seeing what they did, and even offered to consult with the chef at the catering company.

It was the biggest travesty toward German cooking I had ever seen. I was furious. Atlanta barely has passable European cuisine anyway, and to try to pass this off as "authentic"?! I was offended to the core. I had been toying with the idea of starting my own German pub, and this was the final nail in the coffin. I was going to make it happen one way or the other.

I proceeded to call my old boss, Richard, and set up a stage (apprenticeship) back in his kitchen. It had been at least five years since I had worked there, and I wanted to refresh my memory. I went back to Maine for a couple of weeks at the end of January and got to work. It was rejuvenating! I had forgotten how nice it was to work someplace with high standards. I felt at home. And I realized how much I still needed to learn.
I returned to Atlanta, determined to find a good cooking job. No more retail, no more waiting tables, and no more half-assed over-hyped mediocre burger-slinging. It was tough- a lot of places that were hiring were the terrible TGI knockoffs I wanted to avoid. Then, one morning during a 3am bout of insomnia, I found a Craigslist ad for a line cook position at a place I had heard good things about. J had even recommended I apply there months ago, before the Oktoberfest fiasco. I sent in my résumé, and passed out.
Chef called me that afternoon to schedule an interview. I was over the moon! A couple days later, I went in for it. There was another applicant there. I got nervous- he was dressed in his chef whites, while I looked more as though I was going for a hostess position. My nerves continued to get rattled the longer we waited for Chef to arrive. Finally, it was time. And I had the longest, most intense interview of my life. I left feeling completely rattled, but also... Intrigued. I needed to work there, I could tell. They had standards! A good reputation! An more importantly, I could *learn* there. For the first time in my life, I began praying I could get the job.
Three excruciatingly long days later, Chef called me back for a one night stage to see if I'd fit. I went in the very next night... And proceeded to completely fuck up a simple hummus recipe. Then they put me on the line, an figuring I had nothing to lose, I threw myself into learning what I could. The whole while, I was mentally swearing at myself, sure I had blown it.
Closing time rolled around, and that's when Chef gave me some of the best news of my career- I got the job. I skipped home that night. Been damn near skipping ever since, too. I still get the jitters- it's a level of cooking I've never performed at, and some days I feel like I can't keep up. But ultimately, I'm finding myself happy that I'm getting my ass kicked every weekend. I'm getting a perverse thrill from the challenge, and it's doing wonders for my faith in the skills I had picked up in prior arenas. My hands will never be pretty and flawless again- but they will reflect my love for this industry, for the strength it gives me, and the lengths I'll go to for all of my goals- kitchen or otherwise.
So why do I stay in this industry? I guess I'm just that special kind of crazy. Cheers!