Habitual Offender

I've never gone out of my way to eat healthy. With an extremely lucky win in the genetics lottery, I've gotten a great metabolism; and working in restaurants has kept me in a perpetually active lifestyle to maintain my bony size 4 butt. So I have never been ashamed of guzzling the occasional Big Gulp™ or chowing down on leftover fried chicken in bed at 2am. However lately I have noticed my tastes changing. I'm craving foods I was very 'meh' about before, and my desire for "normal" boxed grocery fare is on a sharp decline.

Part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that I'm getting older and biologically, yes, tastes do evolve. But I'm sure there's more to it than that. Nine times out of ten, whatever I eat is based on where I happen to be living. My formative years in Maine was a lot of French-Canadian and culinary tastes that got stuck in the late 80's. Chef Boyardee™ also played a huge part. Moving to Atlanta, I was forced out of my comfort zone and got to seriously broaden my horizons- I discovered sushi, true Mexican cuisine, and ate more pork than I ever imagined. Southern cooking became a big part of my culinary repertoire, and I also got introduced to the concept of eating local. Now, amidst this particular evolution, I had no problem with fast foods. Sure, it wasn't "real" food, but if I was only paying a buck for something that might be a burger, I clearly wasn't expecting anything of quality. You get what you pay for.

Then I wound up in Northern California wine country. There were a couple fast food places, but they were always a hassle for me to get to. It was much easier for me to hit up a local farmer's market, maybe check out the brewpub around the corner, or chow down on rice and beans with the sweetest barista I knew. I spent four months eating better than I had in the previous 25 years of my existence. Then I came to Southern California.

I'm sure southern California has farmer's markets, and a great local dining scene. I am just having a bitch of a time finding it. I'm spending time living with people who are very successful career-wise, but when it comes to what they eat? Food is clearly just fuel to them, and not something they actually enjoy. They have more canned vegetables than they ever possibly eat, and cabinets overflowing with processed protein bars. My cooking for them is no end of frustration, because while they admit what I make is good, they are clearly more excited for Campbell's. They are the pickiest eaters I've seen outside of a kindergarten classroom. I love them, but if we stop at one more drive through I'm going to put a nail through someone's tongue. And they wonder why their diets don't work???

With any luck, over the next few months, I can have my eating habits rub off on them. I will hit the markets harder than I ever have before. I won't cook for them anymore- I will cook for me, and offer to share. I'm sick of poor eating habits. And maybe, just maybe, I can actually teach them something. If nothing else, my stomach will be happier.

Bittersweet

It's been hard to write recently. I've been backsliding into bad habits I had a few years ago, and when you're busy getting fucked up 7 nights a week then working the same amount, it's hard to pause for self-reflection.

I know what it is, too. I still miss J. When we broke it off, I avoided actually processing it. What's worse, I pretended we were fine as just friends. I still talk to him, I still see him when he's in town, hell, he and I cooked together last week. I helped him tile his fucking bathroom. I am a fantastic liar, I actually believed that by jumping into the dating pool again, I was over it. Not. Even. Close.

I shouldn't beat myself up about it so bad- theoretically I, too, am human. But it is so much harder than I want it to be to look at someone I want so bad to spend the rest of my life with and realize it probably won't happen. I need to give him up. But everything reminds me. Even my bar. Especially my bar. And that's really getting to me.

Progress on the bar is accelerating as far as the business plan. But every minute I spend on it, I want to share it with him. He was one of my catalysts to motivate me to actually work towards it. His influence is all over it, even without direct involvement. At this rate, I can only hope the bar consumes so much of my time I won't have time to dwell on him anymore.