Learning Curve

Education.

It is daunting, to say the least, when you are actually thinking about it in terms of a future. I like to think of myself as an avid learner, however the public education system here in the US did a lovely job of destroying my faith in organized educational settings. I swore up and down out of high school I'd never go to college. I wasn't exactly right, I did a brief five months in art school before dropping out. And that really didn't help my opinion of the whole mess, either.

These days, though, I am coming around a bit more. I still hate what post-high school options have become, but I am willing to accept the inevitable fact that if I really want to make my life what I want it to be, I need to do something to back up my industry experience. I toyed with increasing my knowledge base four years ago, but four years ago I was also suffering from some major delusions of grandeur (I'll admit it, I was a presumptuous asshole). I never put in the effort I should have, and I wasted an incredible opportunity to learn from an incredible sommelier.

Now that I'm actually committing to learning, I have made a conscious decision to somewhat... take myself out of what I consider the real workforce. I am still working for the catering company, but that in itself is a very part time position. I've collected a few of these part time gigs, and strangely enough for me none have anything to do with the restaurant industry. It's nerve wracking for me. I know that the arrangement is ultimately beneficial for my studies, I currently have more free time than I know what to do with. I begin taking my WSET (Wine & Spirits Education Trust) courses in June, and will take the Level 2 exam in July if all goes well. In September, I'm going to begin taking classes with the North American Sommelier Association in order to earn a silver pin sommelier certification. It's going to do wonders for my career, but it feels so weird to remove myself from the workforce to just...read. But, once I get this knocked out of the way, I can really start taking charge of things the way I want to. The fear fuels my spite, and I'll be damned if I drop out of this too!

Study Hard!

Clarity is one of the greatest gifts a person can be given. It's such a fluid notion, that when you can actually get a handle on it, it feels magical. It took me years, but within the past few years I knew I wanted a career in the restaurant industry. It definitely wasn't my life goal as a child, but a passion I grew into. And even more recently, I managed to narrow it down even further. That is big for me- after 25 years of putzing around, I finally have a direction to truly pursue. While I have been saying I want to own a brewpub, I always assumed it would be in a chef/owner role. Something recently occurred to me.

I am a solid cook. I'm not the best chef, nor do I have any desire to be a top chef. The time and sheer energy required behind the line is not something I honestly want to pursue. I love reading my cookbooks, learning about foods and technique, but at the end the day? I am way more interested in creating and running a successful establishment. I won't be Top Chef, but I can damn sure be a Top Restauranteur!

To accomplish that, I'm devoting my next few months earning certifications to improve my job chances in the restaurant field. I'm going for my Cicerone (for beer), WSET (for wine and spirits), and CSW (for wine exclusively). Hopefully I can parlay that into a bar position, and if not, I'll go to school for business management classes. It'll be strange, decreasing my hours working, and spending time studying. I haven't done that since... Hell, I didn't even actually study in high school.

Beyond the pursuit of knowledge, I will admit I am seriously motivated by a hefty dose of spite. It's not healthy, but I'm definitely still harboring a lot of anger over what happened on my trip out here last year. But is it really so bad, when I'm finally finding a healthy way to focus that anger? I just want to be more successful than I originally thought I could be. And if that means hella nerding out for a year or two? I'll do it. I'm pretty certain I can get my level one CSW months sooner than I anticipated originally. I've already got a much better understanding of the Bordeaux and Burgundy regions of France than I thought.

Spite. God it makes me happy.

Why I Am Terrible At Meaningful, Serious Communication... And Things Still Work Out

Now that I've finally gotten a little sleep, I can collect my thoughts a little better! Which brings me to the Great Reveal of last night.

I was at the part time job last night, and when my night was over, a guy I had accidentally been on a date with a few weeks ago called me up to hang out. I declined, and texted a guy friend to get some perspective on things. J came up, of course, and I got thinking. Him -not- saying "I love you" was bothering me more than I wanted to admit.

While I walked home, I kept thinking- it's one of my worst faults. The more I thought, the more I decided I had to come to a definitive conclusion. Was J going to be worth the investment of my time, or did I need to cut ties and systematically ruin the best thing I have ever had thus far? I started getting angry, and in a fit of 'fuck this, I need to know', I called him.

For the record, one of my other faults is, when I talk to him, I lose my nerve to an extent. He answered, and I just went about it like it was a normal phone call. He told me about his day and some of his staffing problems, I played the part of the super assertive girlfriend who would tell employees exactly what they ought to be doing (ha-ha-HURR). I kept trying to regain the angry fire that I had while the phone was ringing. I couldn't. When our conversation was wrapping up, though, I did get a bit of the spite back. My brain said 'fuck this, I'm just going to say I love him anyway. I'm tired of being this much of a pussy about it!' So I said it. And he said it back, like it was the most natural progression of our conversation. And we hung up. And I had a little celebration for myself. He probably has no idea how much it meant to me. But his nonchalant attitude tells me he thought it was totally obvious. Men, jeez. :)