Bittersweet

It's been hard to write recently. I've been backsliding into bad habits I had a few years ago, and when you're busy getting fucked up 7 nights a week then working the same amount, it's hard to pause for self-reflection.

I know what it is, too. I still miss J. When we broke it off, I avoided actually processing it. What's worse, I pretended we were fine as just friends. I still talk to him, I still see him when he's in town, hell, he and I cooked together last week. I helped him tile his fucking bathroom. I am a fantastic liar, I actually believed that by jumping into the dating pool again, I was over it. Not. Even. Close.

I shouldn't beat myself up about it so bad- theoretically I, too, am human. But it is so much harder than I want it to be to look at someone I want so bad to spend the rest of my life with and realize it probably won't happen. I need to give him up. But everything reminds me. Even my bar. Especially my bar. And that's really getting to me.

Progress on the bar is accelerating as far as the business plan. But every minute I spend on it, I want to share it with him. He was one of my catalysts to motivate me to actually work towards it. His influence is all over it, even without direct involvement. At this rate, I can only hope the bar consumes so much of my time I won't have time to dwell on him anymore.

Eggs

Happy New Year!  And I am beyond excited to begin it. After an insane holiday season, I am ready to kick my year into top gear and really kick ass this year. I was lucky enough to have my immediate family in town, and we had a great Christmas day. I had worked the night prior, so they were kind enough to let me sleep in a bit- we opened gifts at 2, then proceeded to go make Christmas dinner. That consisted of a massive 8 pound ham and 2 trays of lasagna- very italian gorge-fest merged with my sister-in-law's ham tradition. We ate ALL afternoon. And we drank. All afternoon. We had a blast! My friend Robin even made an appearance with her amazing homemade pickles, an excellent wine, and toffee. Everything tasted fantastic,  and getting to connect with the family again made my day.
I did get an incredibly meaningful gift a few days afterward- my own copy of "On Food and Cooking" by Harold McGee. I had been borrowing my friend Darrell's copy for a few weeks, and the book fascinates me. It's essentially a big textbook about the science of food, and I loved it. Well, he was kind enough to get me one, and I couldn't be happier. It's incredibly informative,  and really helps me connect what I want to do with food with the actual reactions that will commence during cooking. It's brilliant. And it has taught me more about eggs than I ever thought. And that's just one small portion.
When I was in my culinary classes in high school, the second lesson after the Sanitation class was egg cookery. That class in particular sticks out for me for many reasons- for one, I remember being surprised that we were going to spend 4 hours just talking about eggs. And I was a little grossed out- we were focusing on fried and scrambled eggs, and I was not a fan at the time. Still not overly fond of them, to be honest, but I'll actually eat them nowadays. We went over basic breakfast preparations, and how to crack the egg one-handed, and how to flip the egg in the sauté pan sans a spatula. When I tried my first flip, my yolk and white somehow separated, flipped simultaneously, and then broke in the pan. It was surprising to watch, and I promptly forgot about it. Fast forward 8 years later, and I have found myself eating and cooking eggs more often than ever, especially completely different preparations than I have ever tried.
With my new book, eggs have become far less mysterious, and far more important to me. They are so incredibly versatile, and now that I know what the hell I'm doing with them, they are actually pretty tasty. I've found I make a freaking awesome Sunnyside-up.
It's a cool juxtaposition that eggs, the symbol of rebirth in some cultures, has also found itself at the biggest culinary steps in my life. And nowadays, I'm very interested to see what else I can do with them. So here's to 2014, y'all! Let's see where it takes us!

Fixing Fixation

The best and worst advice I have ever received is, "The devil is in the details". The chef I worked for back when I started this blog hammered that idea into my head. When used appropriately?  Works splendidly.  However, I have been finding myself getting fixated on things that honestly need to wait, or that are less than important in the grand scheme of things.

When I started my business plan, I made a timeline for what I needed to accomplish in order to work on the next item on my agenda. I would dedicate one day a week to completeing a chunk, and be finished by early January. Week 1 went off without a hitch,  even got ahead of the game for week 2. Then week 2 came. The chunk I intended to complete was writing a menu and then costing out the recipes. Menus were written, but I had no idea how to start costing without accurate wholesale pricelists. My brain was telling me,  "No, you HAVE to finish this! You can't DO anything else until you get this DONE." So I fixated. And I wasted valuable time. I let myself get 2 1/2 weeks behind before I even looked at my plan materials again and came across my checklist.  Right then, looking at is with fresh eyes, I realized- I can (and have) asked some of my restaurant management friends for price lists. And while I wait for them to deliver? I can do other things.

Especially since the rest of the list is freaking easy in comparison.  All of the financials are easily the most important part,  but it's all a matter of collecting data and filling in appropriate tables. The rest is as simple as writing an operations manual, training timelines, quick analysis blurbs- all of which I have been doing in my off time at home. There was never any reason for me to save it all for one day a week. I should never have let the menu become as much of a hassle as it did. Thankfully, I am back on track.  Possibly even ahead of schedule!  Very excited for January, when I start doing the fun stuff for it!

Ho ho hell yeah holiday!

I can't remember the last time I was so excited for the holidays. After 5 years of living in Atlanta,  my family is spending Christmas her! With me! I've been north once for Christmas,  but I have never had the opportunity to see all of the people I love here at one time. I am so happy I'm not only getting a real Christmas tree, but I'm actually deep cleaning my house. :D And frankly,  that has been needed since I moved into the damn place. My family was good enough to get a hotel room, but there is no freaking way I'm making my nephew open gifts in his hotel room. I can't wait!
Even better, they're going to be in town long enough for me to take them to Proof & Provision,  my favorite bar ever. Ironically,  in the past week I have managed to meet more employees from there and the Georgian Terrace Hotel in general,  so not only will this holiday season be fantastic,  but my birthday in March? Going to be goddamn epic. So excited. Even better? J's coming to visit this evening.  I am damn near retarded I am so happy.

Progress

Well, after a harrowing two weeks of intensive,  mind-straining study, I have passed my final exams for service at the wine bar!  Of course, I managed to do better at the alcohol portion of the damn test, but were I to repeat it,  I'm sure I'd be equally better at both! Awfully hard to concentrate when I'm distracted by kitchen chatter. Nonetheless!  I can now dedicate my free time to my German studies and my business plan. I'm falling behind little by little onthe plan, and I am not happy about that,

On the bright side,  my older brother reminded me of family connections that could get me in touch with the extended family we still have in Germany.  Somehow, I had utterly forgotten about them, even though it was they who got me started on this crusade to an extent in the first place. So, I shot them a message earlier today/yesterday, hopefully they will get back to me soon.

I am finding it a bit silly how things are coming together lately. I am the eternal optimist, but I have had so much awful luck (both self-imposed and random) over the past few years,  it's hard to come to terms with it. I keep expecting the rug to get yanked out from under me!  I guess keeping me on my toes is what is keeping me successful at this rate. So we'll tread on! And kick  ass! Jahwohl!