Timing?

On October 2, J and I will have known each other for a year. This is easily the longest relationship I've been in. And I have no idea what to think at the moment.
The last time he and I had a "relationship" talk, he said he wants to get to know me better. My hopes, dreams, what I want out of life, what makes me angry, that whole shebang. Fair, valid. I want to know the same. About him, and myself. 
I'm not really one for planning. I don't really have a solid, end-all be-all plan for my life. I have things I want to happen, but no timeline. In my mind, life is too fluid for that. I know I want to get married. I want kids. I want to own a bar. I kind of want to be Malory Archer, haha. I would prefer to have J there with me.
However,  I don't know if now is the right time for us. I love him, there's no question about that. But I don't know if he can give me the amount of attention I need right now. Being long distance and in restaurants is freaking hard. We text every day, and manage to phone most days, but lately I've been feeling lonelier than usual.  I almost wonder if I should take the pressure off both of us and make our relationship more casual. I can't pretend that's not selfish of me, I want someone here with me. But that's just cruel of me, whoever I would be with would be a placeholder. I have no right to do that. I honestly have no idea what to do. Give up the man I love for temporary comfort,  or stay with him and put up with the loneliness that I don't even have a guarantee will end? When is enough, enough? And when does this just become settling? I hate making responsible decisions.

Timing is Everything

I got reprimanded today. Just a small thing, but enough to make me feel like an idiot. Last night, I ended my shift believing I had plenty of pickled shrimp to get through tonight's shift. I made a note that none needed to be prepped. At 7pm tonight, I discovered that, while I still had quite a bit of shrimp, I had considerably less than I had last night. So I went to go prepare some mis-en-place (the ingredients necessary to prepare the dish), and asked the chef de cuisine and sous chef if there was more shrimp available to pickle. They shared a, "are you fucking kidding me?" look, and I explained I was prepping more to be on the safe side. The chef de cuisine let me know there was more, and added, "the next time you need shrimp, check yes on your prep sheet." The comment stung, as I hadn't realized lunch cooks were using my shrimp. But I do get why she was frustrated with me- I could have noticed the problem a lot sooner. Great for future reference on my part, though.

Timing has been one of the harder things for me to learn. I have very little patience, that usually bites me in the ass. Especially with relationships- I have yet to have a relationship last over 8 months, and usually sense the impending doom between 4-6 months. The end can be caused by a number of things- me, the boy involved, or outside influences; but I always end it. I know better, and find it easier to dismiss a problem relationship rather than try to change a person. When I think I've fallen in love, I fall for who I think that person is. I'm against trying to change people because I believe that if they truly wanted to change, they would do it. It is not, nor will it ever be, my place to play the mommy-figure in a relationship. So I've ended a lot of relationships.

I've also made the mistake of believing I was in love way before I could actually tell. Nine times out of 10, it wound up being extremely unrequited. Embarrassing, but I got over it. I'm still friends with those crushes, so it's worked out in the long run.

Which brings me to life as I know it these days. J and I have been seeing each other 6 months now. I still adore him, but I haven't told him the 'L' word specifically yet. That's not to say I haven't wanted to, I just choke every time I try. I'm scared I'll get rejected, even though logically, that is fucking dumb. I gotta get my timing right on this. Otherwise, I'm going to be shit out of luck. And shrimp.