Wonder Woman

For the first time in over a week, I didn't have to be awake at the ass-crack of dawn to lug tons and tons (literally) of grapes. I got to... **gasp!** ...sleep in! It's an exciting prospect for me.

This vineyard has been such a...strange turning point for my life. All positive experiences, for sure, but it has really made me stop and reexamine so much about everything I've done up to this point. The weirdest bit has been the fact that, every step I take in this vineyard, or in the quaint little towns nearby, are all so very very reminiscent of times and places I thought I had left behind long ago. It's like, I know I'm in northern California. But I drive to Healdsburg to shop, and I'm back in Brunswick, ME. I walk in the cabins up in the vineyards and I'm revisiting Asheville, TN, during Thanksgiving 2012. I drive the roads up the mountain and I'm back in the north Georgia mountains, just back in July. It's so bittersweet. All of those beautiful memories,  but they feel like they are cluttering the way for the newer, amazing memories I'm creating now. Especially as I have been turning into the woman I've been wanting to be ever since I got here.

I've been told for a while that I am a strong,  independent young woman. Which was fine and dandy. But I'm only now feeling like I've got a backbone. When I got to California,  I swore I was done being what I saw as a weak woman. And I've been kicking ass at it. I've negotiated a higher pay rate for myself at the winery, and when interviewing for jobs, I maintained a "take - no - prisoners" attitude, both for my job title and desired pay rate. And it's been paying off in spades. It's like, the knowledge that I don't have a reputation here has made me fearless. It's what I've been needing.  It has also made me take a good, hard look at what I'm doing,  though, and what makes me happy.  I have a very good idea of it now. It was a smidge surprising,  but ultimately I am sure it will work out in the end.

Beso, caro~ ♥

Aggravated

I went to the emergency room on Thursday. No broken bones or anything of the sort, just severe jaw pain brought on by wisdom teeth. Those suckers should have been yanked five, six years ago; however I am petrified of dentists. And nowadays, a bit more.

I am one of many Americans sans insurance, a lovely side effect of my chosen profession. So, many medical issues I may have I either handle on my own or ignore completely because I can't afford it. And it's not just the procedure costs, it's also the lack of income coming in if I have to stay home and recuperate for any duration. It gets frustrating because I know I'm just making things worse for myself, but when I'm trying to effectively support my younger brother and myself, priorities shift to survival mode and medical treatment hits the 'luxury' column.

I also have this fear of my own independence. I know, that sounds weird. But Thursday, I walked myself to the ER and back. I made myself go to work later that afternoon (thankfully they had the sense to force me to go home). My independece was the greatest gift my mom raised me with, but at the same time, how stupid can I get about it? I hate asking for help these days because I have had so many people flake out on me. But when I do eventually get these teeth out, I don't have anyone around to help me stop myself. It's a sobering, lonely, and infuriating condition. Hopefully I'll get it figured out sooner rather than later.